The Not So Silent Night

“Mommy, no, you have to keep the light on!” “Kiddo, it’s late.” “I’m . . . still nice, right?” “Yes, but remember, he sees you when you’re sleeping…” “Please, please just leave one candle plugged in, Mommy. I’m scared he won’t find us.”  

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Numb Vulva, Chocolate Chips, and Truth

As a mom, especially a homeschool mom, some days are good – you get everything on your list crossed off and you feel like THE GODDAM QUEEN OF THE WORLD. Other days your child says NO to everyfuckingthing and you push and push and push until any possibility of enjoyment – much less learning – […]

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The Robin

Content warning: Death and alcoholism It’s 1:00 a.m. on a Friday night and a Robin is singing outside my window.  She startled me out of what I had hoped would be a good night’s rest. The many sounds of night have sidled up to me like a close talker–far away sirens, cars going too fast […]

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Bystander

“Mommy, I’m a big boy now. I can take a bath by myself,” my eight-year-old son says as he slingshots his Batman underwear into the hamper and dumps a bin of Lego into the tub. I wish I could say out loud — explain to him like I would to a reasonable adult — why this is […]

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A crush

is when you knock on the door of the unmarked office building across the street from your very first apartment, because it has no sign and you’re bored and a little lonely since you don’t know anyone in town besides the crewcut who smells like feet in the next apartment, who won’t stop knocking even though you’ve arranged […]

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Surrendering to Hope

I began each day filling a handled vessel to the rim. Through fog, thick as policy, I drag my burdens to a fulsome abyss. Again.  “You are no longer needed.” “But—” “No. Longer. Needed.” I turn into the light and dance away.  

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Silent Assumptions (Redux)

Sleep has never come easy for me. My body accepts it with reluctance at best and rebellion at worst. On this particular night I am somewhere in between the two when a sense of unease sidles me. I feel the space around my body tighten and an awareness of a slight pressure between my legs. […]

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How You Get Divorced

First you will have to get married to someone who, when he asks you on bended knee in a 250 square foot apartment in Manhattan surrounded by the sounds of honking horns and a toilet that won’t stop running, you pause. You pause. Even though he stares at you, leans toward you, clutching the receipt […]

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The Outside Trash

  I wake up. The first thing I see through sandy eyes is the light coming in between the blackout curtains. My heart has been on the stair master, but I’m not moving. I open my phone hoping to see what? I don’t know. I need to get up. I bury my mind in videos […]

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Silent Assumptions

I am lying on the floor of my basement in the winter of 1989. It is dark but for the remains of a smoldering log in the fireplace. Cool air seeps through the foundation and between the spaces of the delicate afghan that covers me. My parents aren’t home. It’s only me and Tom, sleeping […]

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