F*ck Morning People

This essay was entered into round two of Yeah Write’s Super Challenge. (My round one essay is here, in case your interested.) I had to write a persuasive essay that answered the question, “What is the best time of day?”

I am pretty sure the judges were high when they read mine, because THEY MOVED ME TO THE FINAL ROUND! Enjoy!

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“Fuck Morning People”

Oh my fucking God! If I see one more person posting on social media about how they woke up at the ass-crack of dawn to go running, I’m going to lose my shit. The sweaty selfies, the humble-brags about their distance or speed, and the hashtags–#morningperson, #AMrules, #winningatlife–make me want to take them by the shoulders and scream NO ONE FUCKING CARES.

It’s clear that these “friends” think being a morning person is somehow superior to being an evening person, which is a steaming pile of horse shit topped with a full can of nope. It’s almost hard to get mad at the lemmings trying to resist the snooze button, what with all the societal pressure to do so.

For example, a quick Google search with the words “how to be a morning person” shows nine results on the first page. All but two are articles about how to make the transition. Whereas, the first page of results on “how to be an evening person” resulted in numerous quizzes to determine if you are one, but zero, I repeat ZERO, articles on how to actually switch from morningness to eveningness.

You don’t have to take my word that morning folks are not the superior chronotype, because my argument is actually backed up by some science-y motherfuckers. In a 1999 study in Personality and Individual Differences, 420 subjects were given two intelligence tests, which determined that the majestic night owl was clearly superior to the twittering lark, especially when it came to working memory (What did I walk in this room to get?) and processing speed (Can you repeat that, please? I didn’t understand it the first time.).

Science has spoken, friends. Those of us over here working through the night are smart as fuck.

You know what else is true about me and my nighttime cronies? We see the status quo and we say status no. Again, let me turn your attention to the good folks at Personality and Individual Differences. A 2009 study called “Why the Night Owl is More Intelligent” set out to determine whether the Savanna–IQ Interaction Hypothesis might have anything to do with one’s circadian rhythms. The Hypothesis suggests, “more intelligent individuals are more likely to acquire and espouse evolutionarily novel values and preferences than less intelligent individuals, but general intelligence has no effect on the acquisition and espousal of evolutionarily familiar values and preferences.”

In other words, highly intelligent people are not afraid to ditch traditional ways of thinking and mix shit up, but do they mostly do it at night or during the day?

Drumroll, please.

The study, which used data from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health confirmed that “more intelligent individuals are more likely to be nocturnal than less intelligent individuals.”

Suck it, morning people.

Not convinced?  Empirical data not your thing?  That’s fine.  How about some history then?

[Cue Elgar’s Pomp and Circumstance graduation march.]

Many, many forward thinkers throughout the ages did their best work at night–Leonardo da Vinci painted his masterpieces by candlelight, Winston Churchill figured out how to keep Germany from taking England during WWII huddled near an oil lamp, and Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, which helped him create even more life-changing inventions after midnight.

That’s right, us night owls stay up late thinking of all the cool ways to change the world while all the early risers (and early rising wannabes) are dreaming about whether they should wear the Lululemons or the Fabletics.

You’re welcome. 

What’s more, according to science, those of us who sleep in make ends meet way more frequently than the early risers. And, by ends, I’m not talking about finances, friends. I’m talking about the old heels to Jesus, the pickle-me tickle-me, the train to pound town.

Call it whatever you want, but according to a study published in the journal Evolutionary Psychology, “Night owls, both males and females, are more likely to be single or in short-term romantic relationships (Wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am.) versus long-term relationships (Honey, please stop farting in the bed.) when compared to early birds.”

So, if you like sex, and um, who doesn’t, after you swipe right, make sure to ask if they roll up the sidewalks before Fallon or sometime during the infomercials, because it could mean the difference between snoring and roaring.

I could go on and on with the reasons why being a night owl makes me a total badass, but I’ve got some morning people to unfriend and it’s 3 a.m.

I’m a bitch if I don’t get my eight hours.

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Image: Leonardo da Vinci’s St. John the Baptist