Shit Happens

Light on confidence and carrying way too many pounds for my comfort level, I went on Weight Watchers a while back. It’s funny how they say “Going on Weight Watchers” as if watching one’s weight is something that is either on or off. I don’t know about you, but I’m ALWAYS watching my weight, whether it’s going up or down. The company really should be called “I Hate Myself, so I’m Going to Eat a Shitload of Kale, Lose Weight, Then Gain It All Back Again.”

But I digress. This particular diet “worked” and once I lost those extra pounds, I felt like a f*cking rock star.

I walked the streets of New York with my head held high, checking myself out in every possible reflective surface, wondering if anyone could hear my inner voice yelling “damn, I look good!” I even bought myself a brand new mini-dress and some strappy heels to wear on an upcoming trip to Disney World.

When we got there, one of the first things everyone wanted to do was visit a water park. So, I donned my brand new slinky black swimsuit, some waterproof mascara, and my courage. Those big slides frighten the hell out of me.

From the top of the “Slush Gusher,” the first hill looked downright terrifying.  There were no slick mats or inner tubes to aid a person as they careened downward, just body and slide. My friends and family were done and waiting at the bottom to congratulate me.

It was finally my turn. My heart raced, but I was ready. I took my position lying down. The person-in-charge was yelling and gesturing wildly at me, “Give the figs to Heather!” he said. Or, at least that is what it sounded like to me above the cacophony of impatient children and swirling water.

I closed my eyes and scooted forward until gravity took hold and I was off and screaming like I was in a horror movie. About half way down, I relaxed into it and thought “Hell yeah, this is awesome!” But, somewhere near the bottom it became painfully clear what the person-in-charge had actually said: “Keep your legs together!”

I’d never even heard of a high colonic, but I’m pretty sure I got the next worse thing somewhere near the end as I raced confidently down, legs wide open. Upon landing, it took everything in my power to hide the pain and shock of getting a tidal wave of cold water rapidly shoved up my ass. But I did and they had no idea.

Soon the pain went away and day flowed into evening. I found my confidence again and slipped into my fancy new dress and heels for a night of dinner and dancing. As we were walking across the sprawling parking lot, a woman stopped and complimented me on my hair. “I like your shoes too,” she added.

I was on top of the world! On top of the world, and a little flatulent.

I slowed down, motioning for everyone to go ahead of me so I could fiddle with my shoe. This was a lie, as I just really needed to toot my own horn, so to speak. But, instead of the lone staccato sounds of my inner tuba, a whole symphony of fluid shot out of me, giving a whole new meaning to “Slush Gusher.”

My new found confidence was shattered. My first instinct was to run back to the hotel and hide under the bed.

But, I was determined not to let this… situation keep me from enjoying the night. I cleaned myself up, bought a spanking new pair of Mickey Mouse undies, and danced the night away.

Because, you know what? Shit happens. Sometimes literally.

44 thoughts on “Shit Happens

  1. I started giggling as soon as I figured out where this was headed… That must have been horrible! (Sorry I laughed. I couldn’t resist.)

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  2. what a great story. like really great. You tell great stories. My guy reads my blog too. I’m not much of a talker so it’s kind of weird when he reads my words via my blog then sometimes asks me questions about it.

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  3. Also good advice when you’re learning to water ski. Or, uh, SO I HEAR. On the plus side, at least MY FRIEND AND TOTALLY NOT ME was in the lake when the water decided it was time to escape.

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  4. Holy shit that must have hurt! I’m am dying laughing though, sorry but did you read my last post…it’s literately about how I can’t not laugh at farts. Parts of my brain got stuck at 5 yrs old I guess. And the way you describe your ass explosion while trying to simply “toot”…OMG. Funny stuff.

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  5. Great story and very funny post! I like the revisions you made and the Mickey Mouse undies really add that perfect ending detail. Yikes! What an experience.

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  6. You do such a great job of enlisting the reader’s sympathy through your humor. “Sheep are figs with feathers!” Love it.

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  7. OMFG! That was hilarious. I love how spell out what you incorrectly interpreted the person in charge to have said. Soooooo darn funny. All of it. And go you for handling it all with grace!

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  8. Of course it had to time itself to release in one of the most public spots. Thanks for the brave and hilarious story. It’s good that we all have had these moments; keeps us humble!

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  9. Haha “I was on top f the world.” You know what they say: Anything that goes up…
    Anyway thanks and congrats for this post. It’s funny, even if it must have felt horrible! 😄

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  10. I’m still laughing! “Sheep are figs with feathers!” Haahaaa. Really, I’m so glad you have a sense of humor about this and the courage to share it, because I needed a belly laugh. Brilliant. Thank you.

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  11. This is an incredible story and you wrote it so well. Was funny, but so much more than that. I don’t believe there is any change I will ever go down a slide like that but if I ever do I will definitely remember the instructions you didn’t understand!!!!!

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